24-04-2008 10:58

any help is a help

i would never be brave enuf to go on biggest loser but i love bob from both biggest loser and ellen and i'm both terrified and adore jillian....maybe had a wt prob on and off growing up but never told or treated or teased for being fat...bad skin yes...but always happy and popular w/ sort of my own mind...i guess my parents raised me strong.......very active,cheered,ran,swimming for recreation but never really comfortable w/ bod....went up to 145 freshman college (15 -20lbs not unheard of) then did crazy stuff to get dwn and stay dwn 103-108 thru to mid or later 20's...as low at 1 pt as 98...during yr engage gained 20 ... hubby- to- be that wanted to go and do w/ no time left for excer....baby 1 and lost 20 of baby wt then stuck for over a yr...even tho still together over 20 yrs had probs that i ate thru ...another baby 7 yrs later and probs that actually caused me to lose wt during preg but still after birth never lost more than 20....son 21 daughter 14 now wt is hi 280's just discovered only on best day walking 2500 steps and turn 48 in a wk..always looked to as great examp by peers and adults alike but would not be the case now...don't know where i lost me....any suggest i have to lose wt hub knocks...daughter doesn't seem to care 1 way another i'm mom and that's really all that matters....no one i knew my whole life would know me...i'm a cartoon or 1 of the "dress as fat lady to see how treated"...son is supportive but away @ sch....hub always wants me skinny again but his way is to see if he can humilate me into it and don't even start w/ his fam...they are mean and brutal...my face isn't even the same....totally different and scared and sad....would love jillian to snap the hell out of me but would be too humilated to do on tv....any ideas....or do i just wait for a sad pathetic death where people wonder what happened to me.....don't want my life over but don't want my life ....don't even see me in the ladies on biggest loser...i'm bigger...i'm maybe 5'4....just don't know... it seems so unavailable now...even a big wt lose would be a drop in the bucket....this is never what i (nor anyone )could've imagined being my life...........d

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